Bud, bloom, change, decay, repeat....
As the autumn leaves drop from their perch, I feel parts of me drop away as well. Behaviors, beliefs, concepts and ideas keep shifting and morphing. Some days I grasp to understand the radical change, and some days I ease into the necessary acceptance of evolution. In order to grow we must evolve, even if somedays it feels as if a strange and foreign parasite has invaded my mind.
There is something exciting and terrifying all mixed into one strong cocktail to process. If I start sharing my innermost thoughts, if I become more transparent in my beliefs how will others perceive me? I’ve always cared so much of what others have thought of me, and loosening the grip on that is terrifying some days. But then I glance out the window, and view this through the lenses of a leaf or flower. It buds, it blooms, it changes color, it drops to decay, and then the process begins again. This is nature, this is life, this is transition.
This appears at least from my advantage point, a bit harder for us humans. I think we are ok and more comfortable with the budding and blooming process, but not as much with the shifting and decaying part. In fact, I typically feel great when I start something new and it becomes a success and everyone applauds, but what if I let a part of me or a persona change a bit, or God forbid let it drop away altogether, and let something else start to germinate, bud and bloom? The need to be loved, seen and wanted/accepted is human, but to require those feelings from external validation is where many of us stumble and grasp. The leaf and flower do not require the squirrels and birds to exalt them, as their homes change over the seasons, so why do humans so often require that recognition? Decoding, deconstructing and reprograming the systems and beliefs that have shaped and formed us is not for the faint of heart. It will take grit, patience and accountability and frankly it can be hard. There are so many days when I ask myself am I done, is this process over? Then just like that something new emerges for me to observe, consider and once again let myself FEEL the wheels of change turn.
I’ve said this before but I will echo it again. I can not go back to my old way of living, the door closed, the entrance is sealed and it does not remain an option to me. My only choice is to forage ahead often down a road that I can not see the end to, but I choose to trust. Trust that people who understand me will find me, trust that I can be true to myself and who I am, trust that I will be ok. That even as parts of my old life crumble, the new parts that awaken are so beautiful, I simply can’t deny it is the direction I must go. So, one by one I gently release my leaves, and learn to TRUST.